Ever felt that gnawing sensation when your partner’s eyes linger a little too long on someone else?
Or maybe that pang of insecurity when they mention a date with another partner in their polyamorous network? Yeah, jealousy. It’s that unwelcome guest that crashes the party of even the most secure open or polyamorous relationship.
It’s the green-eyed monster nobody wants to acknowledge, but pretending it doesn’t exist only lets it fester. But don’t worry, jealousy doesn’t have to be a relationship killer.
Think of it as a signal, an indicator light flashing to show you where you need to focus your attention and energy.
This article provides actionable strategies to manage jealousy, strengthen your communication, and deepen the trust in your open or polyamorous relationships, so keep reading.
1. Decode Your Jealousy: What’s Really Going On?
Jealousy isn’t a simple emotion; it’s a complex cocktail of insecurities, fears, and unmet needs. Before you can tackle it, you need to understand what’s actually fueling it.
Ask yourself: Is it fear of abandonment? A sense of inadequacy? Perhaps feeling left out or that you are not enough. Take some time for introspection.
Journal, meditate, or talk to a therapist to dig deep. Identifying the root cause is half the battle won. Remember, “Know thyself,” as Socrates wisely said.
Don’t just acknowledge the feeling; explore it. What triggers it specifically? What stories are you telling yourself about the situation? Understanding these narratives is crucial.
When you recognize the underlying vulnerabilities, you can address them directly, rather than letting them manifest as reactive jealousy.
2. Radical Honesty: Open Communication is Your Superpower
In any relationship, but especially in open or polyamorous ones, communication is key. And I’m not talking about surface-level chats about the weather.
I’m talking about radical honesty – expressing your feelings openly, vulnerably, and without blame. If you’re feeling jealous, tell your partner. Explain what’s going on for you, without accusing them of anything.
Use “I” statements: “I feel insecure when…” instead of “You make me feel insecure.” Create a safe space where you can both share your fears and insecurities without judgment.
This vulnerability fosters empathy and understanding, paving the way for collaborative problem-solving. Don’t let resentments simmer. Address concerns as they arise, rather than letting them build into explosive confrontations.
Effective communication is not just about talking; it’s about active listening and empathy. Try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective, and validate their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.
For more on improving communication skills, check out resources on the connection between communication and orgasms.
3. Cultivate Security: Reassurances and Quality Time
Jealousy often stems from a feeling of insecurity in the relationship. Counteract this by actively cultivating security and connection.
Make time for regular check-ins where you focus solely on each other. Plan dates, engage in shared activities, and create rituals that reinforce your bond.
Give and receive reassurances of love and commitment. Sometimes, all it takes is a hug and a heartfelt “I love you” to quell the green-eyed monster.
I remember when my partner started seeing someone new, I felt a wave of insecurity wash over me. I feared I wasn’t enough, not interesting or attractive. I
t was during a particularly open conversation, fueled by vulnerability, that I shared these fears. My partner lovingly reassured me, emphasizing how much they valued our unique connection and that their love for me wasn’t diminished by their new relationship.
We then planned a weekend getaway, just the two of us, filled with activities we both adored. That quality time, combined with heartfelt reassurances, made a world of difference.
It reaffirmed our bond and reminded me of the unique space I held in their heart. Make the most of every interaction; a simple touch or a thoughtful gesture can speak volumes.
4. Embrace Compersion: Turn Jealousy into Joy
Compersion is the opposite of jealousy – it’s the feeling of joy you experience when your partner is happy, even if that happiness comes from someone else.
It might sound impossible, but with practice, you can cultivate compersion. Start by reframing your thoughts. Instead of focusing on what you “lose” when your partner connects with someone else, focus on what you gain: their happiness, growth, and fulfillment.
Try to genuinely celebrate their experiences and offer support. Share their excitement and ask questions about their dates. The more you lean into compersion, the less space jealousy will have to take root.
Think of it as expanding your capacity for love and happiness, rather than dividing it.
5. Nurture Yourself: Self-Love is Your Shield
Often, jealousy is a reflection of our own insecurities and unmet needs.
One of the most powerful tools for managing jealousy is to cultivate a strong sense of self-love and self-worth. Invest in your own happiness and fulfillment.
Pursue your passions, spend time with friends, and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. The more secure and confident you are in yourself, the less you’ll rely on external validation from your partner, and the less vulnerable you’ll be to jealousy.
Remind yourself of your strengths, talents, and accomplishments.
Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend who is struggling. Remember, you are worthy of love and happiness, regardless of what your partner does or doesn’t do.
If you want to deepen your understanding of yourself, a Mindfulness Journal for Self-Discovery can be a great tool. Discover yourself and love who you are! Self-love isn’t selfish; it’s essential. Fill your own cup first so you have more to give to others.
6. Establish Boundaries: Know Your Limits
Open relationships thrive on clear communication and well-defined boundaries. What are you comfortable with? What are your non-negotiables?
It’s crucial to have honest conversations with your partner about these limits and ensure that both of you are on the same page. Perhaps you’re okay with your partner dating others, but you’re not comfortable with them spending the night.
Maybe you need to have veto power over new partners. Whatever your boundaries may be, make sure they are respected and upheld. If you find yourself constantly feeling uncomfortable or violated, it’s a sign that your boundaries need to be re-evaluated or reinforced.
I remember when my partner and I first opened our relationship, we hadn’t fully discussed our boundaries. I assumed we were on the same page, but I quickly realized that wasn’t the case.
One evening, my partner casually mentioned a very intimate detail about their date with another person, and I felt a sharp pang of discomfort. It wasn’t that I was against them seeing other people; it was the level of detail I wasn’t prepared for.
After a heartfelt conversation, we realized we needed to establish clearer boundaries around what information was shared and what remained private. This experience taught me the importance of explicitly defining my limits and communicating them effectively.
Boundaries aren’t walls; they are guidelines that protect your emotional well-being. Setting boundaries shows respect for yourself and your needs, and paradoxically, it strengthens the relationship by creating clear expectations and mutual understanding.
Saying goodbye to the green-eyed monster
Jealousy in open or polyamorous relationships is a common challenge, but it’s not insurmountable.
It’s not about eliminating jealousy entirely—that’s probably unrealistic—but about managing it in a healthy and constructive way.
Remember, open relationships are a journey of continuous growth, learning, and adaptation. Embrace the challenges, celebrate the victories, and never stop communicating.
As Brené Brown beautifully puts it, “Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement.”
Engaging with your feelings, communicating them openly, and continuously working on your relationship is the key to a thriving and fulfilling open or polyamorous life. If you feel these tools have given you a headstart, learn about ethical non-monogamy.
Alexandra Rivera is a passionate educator and advocate with over a decade of experience championing sexual and gender equality. With a background in sociology and gender studies, Alexandra has dedicated her work to promoting inclusivity, understanding, and empowerment for individuals of all identities. Through education, storytelling, and advocacy, she strives to break down stigmas and foster a world where everyone feels seen, respected, and celebrated. She is also a self-proclaimed artist channeling her creative side on pottery and sketching.
