Navigating the complexities of a romantic relationship can sometimes feel like walking a tightrope.
Words, once spoken, can’t be taken back, and they have the power to either strengthen or severely damage the bond between partners.
There are certain phrases can inadvertently harm a relationship – you see, our words are not just simple sounds; they carry emotional weight and can deeply impact mental processes and behaviors.
Understanding the psychology behind communication is crucial for maintaining a healthy partnership. Let’s delve into six phrases you should steer clear of, and explore why they’re potentially harmful and how you can communicate more effectively.
1) “Why are you so emotional?”
Imagine you’re sharing something deeply personal with your partner, and their response is a dismissive, “Why are you so emotional?”
This phrase can feel like a sharp needle bursting the bubble of vulnerability you’ve created. It invalidates feelings and suggests that emotions are a problem.
From a psychological perspective, emotions are essential indicators of our inner experiences and should be acknowledged, not belittled.
Instead of questioning your partner’s emotions, try to understand them. Ask yourself, “What is my partner trying to convey?” This approach fosters empathy and opens up a space for genuine connection.
2) “You always/never do this…”
The words “always” and “never” are absolute and can feel like a personal attack.
I remember a time when I told my partner, “You never listen to me,” during a heated argument. It wasn’t entirely true, and it painted him as perpetually inattentive, which wasn’t fair. These absolutes can lead to defensiveness and derail constructive conversations.
Rather than generalizing, focus on specific instances and express how they made you feel.
For example, instead of saying, “You never help with chores,” you could say, “I felt overwhelmed yesterday when I had to do all the chores by myself.” This shifts the focus from blame to expressing needs.
3) “That’s stupid”
Calling something your partner says “stupid” is a direct hit to their self-esteem. It can feel like a dismissal of their thoughts and opinions, which can be damaging over time. Consider the impact of your words on your partner’s mental well-being.
As the psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This acceptance should extend to your partner as well. Instead of labeling their thoughts as “stupid,” ask for clarification.
You might say, “I’m not sure I understand; can you explain that a bit more?” This not only shows respect but also encourages open dialogue.
4) “If you really loved me, you would…”
Ahh… a classic example of emotional manipulation.
It puts unnecessary pressure on your partner and sets a conditional standard for love that can feel suffocating.
Love should be unconditional and free from ultimatums. Instead of using love as leverage, communicate your needs directly. Say something like, “I would really appreciate it if you could support me in this.”
This approach is more likely to lead to a positive outcome.
Speaking of positive approaches, if you’re looking for a way to strengthen communication, consider the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. This book offers insightful advice on understanding and expressing love effectively.
5) “You’re just like your mother/father…”
Comparing your partner to their parents can stir up a storm of emotions.
It might seem like a harmless observation, but it can be interpreted as a critique of their character or upbringing. I once made the mistake of comparing my partner to his father during an argument, and it only escalated the situation.
What you can do is to focus on the specific behavior or issue at hand rather than making sweeping comparisons.
Addressing the behavior directly and calmly can prevent unnecessary emotional triggers. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re just like your father when you do that,” try, “I get frustrated when this happens because it reminds me of similar situations.”
6) “Calm down.”
The phrase “calm down” can have the opposite effect and often acts as a trigger.
It suggests that your partner’s feelings are unwarranted and can escalate the situation further. When someone is emotionally charged, telling them to calm down can feel dismissive.
Try t0 acknowledge their emotions and offer support. You might say, “I can see that you’re upset. How can I help?” This approach is more likely to de-escalate the situation and foster a supportive environment.
Our love language
Understanding the psychological impact of our words is key to nurturing a healthy relationship.
By being mindful of the phrases we use, we can create a space where both partners feel valued and heard. Relationships thrive on open and honest communication, so it’s essential to choose words that build rather than break.
Remember that a simple shift in language can lead to significant improvements in the emotional and mental harmony of your relationship. As the renowned psychologist John Gottman said, “It’s not the presence of conflict, but rather the absence of repair that predicts relationship failure.”
Communication is a two-way street, and it’s crucial to approach conversations with empathy and respect. By avoiding these common pitfalls, we can work towards a relationship that not only survives but thrives.
Consider what words you’re choosing in your daily interactions and how they might be impacting your partnership.
After all, the language of love is as much about listening as it is about speaking.
Lila Anderson is an intimacy expert providing accessible and inclusive education on sexual health and relationships. Known for her engaging and down-to-earth approach, Lila has worked with individuals, schools, and community organizations to foster informed, open conversations. She wants to empower people with the knowledge they need to make confident, healthy decisions, and to create a world where everyone feels equipped to explore and understand their sexuality and relationships. Although she’s still in her 3rd year of practice, she has been well-loved by her friends and acquiantances for being so relatable and down to earth.
